It was never about me

Travel and sport have been the greatest teachers in my life. They are the ultimate leveller, the place where I can't escape myself and where I get to define my own success. They have taught me who I am, what I'm capable of and how to be a better human (definitely a work in progress!) and given me skills, knowledge and perspective that no classroom ever could. So after 3 weeks chaperoning a team of junior cyclists across Europe what did I learn?

It was never about me

XSpeed United’s 'Pathway2Pro' is a development program giving junior cyclists from Australia and Canada the opportunity to experience the life of a professional cyclist in Europe - the epicentre of global cycling. The trip entailed 1 coach, 2 chaperones, 1 mentor, 9 riders and 10 bikes travelling and racing across Belgium and Holland for 3 weeks.

Accommodation was dormitory style (for everyone!) and the kids were responsible for cooking, cleaning and organising themselves. The riders raced in local road races and completed a Junior Tour while experiencing what it is like to live and ride in a country that values the art of cycling.

Planning, managing and delivering this project was a mammoth undertaking - from the paperwork involved in taking kids that aren't mine across international borders, to the logistics of moving us and our luggage across 2 countries; from shopping in foreign supermarkets (Pure Hagel Slag anyone!) to managing bike crash injuries - all done while living with 13 people for 3 weeks and managing 9 teenagers!

While the riders were living their best cycling lives there were days when I was exhausted, frustrated and completely over it. It was on these days that my fellow chaperone would simply say "this isn't about us". It would take me back to why I was doing this - to give these young riders the most incredible experience so they too could develop and grow as I had when I travelled. I'd had my time, this was theirs.

If I want people to grow I need to stop creating a shadow

Fundamental to preparing young cyclists to be professional cyclists is giving them the skills to live independently and to work as a team in a foreign country. So a big focus of the trip was to build these skills by getting the riders to work together to meal plan, shop, cook and clean; and to plan and organise their schedules.

While teenagers are not the most enthusiast cleaners and we ended up eating a lot of pasta, the riders started to understand that their ability on the bike was only one part of being a successful cyclist. They saw that turning up on time; getting on with people; being respectful; being able to feed themselves nutritious food; getting enough sleep and knowing where their race is are just as important.

For a planning obsessed control freak like me it was so, so hard to step back but with a lot of self-talk and breathing (!) I saw how important it was to allow space for their growth because if I constantly stood over them I created a shadow.

Success isn't about winning

I used to think that in order to succeed I had to win, to be the best, to beat everyone else, and if I didn't then I had lost. Watching the riders racing I realised how binary and limiting this idea of success was and how I was allowing my success to be defined by other people. If I only defined success in terms of winning and losing then the rider who crashed, got themselves up bruised and bloodied to finish was a loser; as was the rider who raced their heart out and finished their first tour, but didn't podium - which of course is bullish*t!

Cycling is an incredible sport to watch if you want to understand what it means to succeed without winning. Most of the riders are riding for the glory of their team leader, not themselves which can mean that they may never win a race, or even finish a race but they are still successful. It is a sport that not only awards wins and podiums, but also the 'lanterne rouge' - a prize given to the rider that completes a tour in last place - noting the word complete.

While I can judge who has won, I can't judge another person's success - only they can be the judge of that.

I only found my limits when I went past them

The trip made me realise that over the years I've been telling myself all the things I can't do. I've been insipidly narrowing the idea of who I am and whittling away the concept of what I am capable of. There were many moments in the lead up to this trip where I doubted myself and couldn't fathom how I was going to cope - it was almost as if I didn't trust myself.

I realised I simply had to stop listening to the scared middle-aged woman in my head and start trusting my 20 year old backpacker self. Deep down I knew that all I needed was a passport, a credit card and a smile - everything else was simply unnecessary luggage. Pulling into Brussels, Antwerp, Rotterdam, Maastricht and Utrecht stations I remembered the joy of arriving in an unknown city; the enticing sense of discovery and the pure happiness of getting lost. I've come away from this trip with a new appreciation of what I can do and I've pushed back all the mental boundaries and limitations I'd put on myself over the years.

Doing good things doesn't always feel good

Maybe it's middle-age, maybe it's menopause or maybe its just me, but for the past few years I've been trying to find some purpose in my life - something more than simply working to make money to buy stuff I don't need. I've never been interested in the luxuries of life - I'm happiest in jeans and T-shirt driving a mini-moke!

I've been wanting to feel part of something bigger, something with impact, something that can change the world....and all along it was there, quietly happening. I've been donating my time, expertise and energy to sport and junior development for the past decade but I just didn't realise that this was my purpose.

I thought that being fulfilled and finding my purpose would be a yogic experience, a bolt of enlightenment that would shower me in calm and peace. But sitting in Rotterdam station I realised that doing good often feels sh*t. While a simple thank you from a parent or a kid can make me smile for weeks, often the work has felt exhausting, frustrating, overwhelming, tedious and thankless over the years. Doing this work regularly reduces me to either a tearful wreck or a raging monster - I question how I can ever affect change in a system that is broken; I rage about the lack of opportunity and inequality in remote and regional areas; and I become hopeless about how little sport is valued.

But how I feel about it all doesn't matter because it never was, and never will be about me.